I’ve not felt I have anything to say today. I’m feeling a bit numb really, like when you sleep on your arm and worry you might have had a stroke in the night.
I managed to do this painting. I even managed a bath! That sounds gross doesn’t it, but it’s a genuine goal for me. I don’t leave it to the point that I’m circled by flies though – I have a smidge of respect for myself left.
I actually had, for me, a busy day. An old friend came round, and she honestly made me see things from a different light (helps that she’s a therapist. She owes me from looking after her when she was paralytic at uni, whilst we all shouted “flick your flaps” at her.)
Although I’m at the bottom of that metaphorical well, and I’m still struggling with the panic and abandonment issues I have (I know you can’t wait for a blog about that!) She made me see the tiniest glimpse of sun from the bottom of my well, which is pretty damp and there’s some fungus growing down here, unsure if it’s edible.
My Aunty also came round, her and my mum are identical twins, so genetically she’s also my mother (two mums – nightmare or a blessing?) Unfortunately, she’s been in a very similar situation to me, her husband deciding to leave when she hit rock bottom with her own mental health. I saw her at her lowest, in hospital. I see her now, happy, and supporting me, I’m so proud of her. Maybe, if she can do it, with our shared mental fun in our head. MAYBE, I can do it too.
I don’t really know right now. I’m not sure about anything. I’m just trying to get through each day. Daydreaming up plans to get out of this well. I’d build a ladder but I have dyspraxia, and construction and dyspraxia do NOT mix.