Swipe life

Obviously, I have had that conversation with myself. The “you do you gurl” conversation. And yeh, realistically now is the time to work on myself, find myself (sans trip around the world to stroke monkeys and eat magic mushrooms.)

Therefore, this hun is not actively seeking a relationship. But I guess I’m that believer in letting everything happen for a reason. What happens happens. I’ll go with it and try and keep my expectations at a low level of men (it’s all I know) and just put my self out there, but not in a “MARRY ME AND PROVIDE ME WITH YOUR SEED” kind of way.

So I got myself back on to those infamous apps. Tinder and Bumble. At first, it’s quite exciting swiping away, seeing that there are fishes left in the plastic ridiculed sea. However, if also becomes as tedious as hearing “unexpected item in the bagging area” at self-serve.

Tinder is dead. Sorry. It is dead… or I am just not worthy to talk to (anxiety and dating is great.) You swipe away, the matches roll in and… nothing. Radio silence. Even a gif doesn’t get a response a lot of the time. Like what are these guys doing, warming their thumbs up for the thumb war olympics?!

I’ll fire off a gif and occasionally BOOM I have a response. Praying it’s something equally as hilarious as my choice. And then the heartbreak ensues. Heartbreak for this generation of men. Specifically those who use “txt” talk. Finish a sentence with an x and use babe incessantly and have all the conversational skills of a flannel. Also, is everyone a DJ these days?!

So I leaped on over to bumble. I’d say it’s the more mature version of tinder. Same premise of swiping and basically judging on looks alone. But there’s a twist. A twist I’m not too keen on.

Now. More people will engage in conversation on this app. I just don’t like the women speaking first aspect. Yes I’m all for equal rights. But I can’t help feel bumble must be the biggest ego boost ever for the men on it. All these women they have pre-liked having to send them a message first if they want to speak. Sat there with an erection every time their phone buzzes feeling like Leo DiCaprio ballin’ with all the ladies. And again you can send a message on here to never be replied to. The benefit being, if they don’t reply, or if you don’t open conversation with them in 24 hours, they disappear. That way, you don’t go back on to the app post 3 glasses of prosecco and see your non existent reply and wonder if your wit wasn’t on top point that day (and avoid the double message danger.)

Wether this type of modern dating is good for my mental health, I’m sure it isn’t. Snap judgements are made, messages misconstrued. Conversations go nowhere and the anxiety parrot sits on my shoulder mocking me. But it’s also making me quite resilient.

It’s sad though really right? Relationships appear so disposable now. People pick up their phones and move on to the next person, literally like flicking through a catalogue (not the Argos one, although I had more chance meeting the toys I’d circled in there than some of my ‘matches’.)

No one approaches you in a bar anymore, although that does have a tendency to creep me out, at least you talk straight away. Without the ‘have I replied too soon?’. ‘Will they understand that’s sarcasm and I’m not just a total bitch’.

And although I am so NOT ready to jump into anything, dating today really makes you question yourself, often negatively. I do enough of that on my own, I don’t need Mr Ghost mode, or Mr Intense and mysterious life to add to that.

Everyone is living behind a phone screen. I’m guilty of it too, I don’t look as good in my dating pictures all the time (I’m wearing sweat pants and a housecoat right now with sudocrem on my face.) People are bored so easily, before even meeting you! And when they do, they’re still prowling the internet buffet of ladies, paper plates in hand, incase you have one flaw they ain’t got time for.

But here I am, swiping away. Wanting these experiences. Embracing the life of being pied. By men with extra strong thumbs.


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