Anxiety, art, depression, mental health, Uncategorized

Dear Friends

I’m sorry I lied to you. Im sorry I put on a front and never really said how bad it was at the time. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I cut myself off, I hurt you.

I spent so much time trying to maintain a ‘not going anywhere’ relationship, that I neglected you. And myself.

You’d think I’d learn (I learn the most ridiculous facts why can’t I learn my own bloody patterns!) But I didn’t and I’ve been here before.

I’ve pushed a group of friends away in the past. When the dark, scummy well pulled me in and replaced my usual self with anger and self-destructive behaviour.

You see, when you’re not coping, as I wasn’t over the last year. My old pals D&A (I’ve abbreviated them now to be cool, and because we are so acquainted 🤞) cloud up my own judgements and I refuse to see what I’m doing. Trying to explain how these pals of mine tend to affect me is like telling a fat kid he can’t have seconds at an all you can eat buffet. It’s just so difficult!

It does seem weird to people that it can manifest into resentment. But, I’m afraid it does. And I get snappy and shitty with my friends. And sometimes the dog, but she’s a bloody idiot!

It’s taken a really shit time. And some discussions with psych liaison, initial therapy appointments and an old time friend (who is conveniently a therapist) to acknowledge how low I have truly been. And how now, I can be me again.

But a me who will not cut off, who will be open with when I’m anxious, upset, angry.

It’s time to be honest with you rather than subduing it and making things worse.

I have to end on a sassy note (of course I do, it’s me). And that note is:

Yes, I live with mental health issues. Yes it’s hard to get your head round sometimes. No I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be the best me I can. And that comes with my chemically unbalanced brain. Take me or leave me. It’s part of me.

Also part of me is my massive cheeks but I can’t take anything to make them smaller. I’ve looked into it.

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Anxiety, art, depression, mental health

I wasn’t happy.

Hindsight is a great thing. And if I learnt anything from my nurse training, so is the power of reflection (Gibbs knows what I mean).

Reflection is the process of analysing your own behaviours, decisions, mistakes and questioning why they may have happened. And most importantly, how you can learn from a positive or negative experience going forward in your life.

I’ve reflected on a lot of things professionally (we all slip up, we’re only human, but I promise I can get that catheter in the right hole ok!).

But what I’ve done over the last day, is reflect on the last 6 months of my life. The relationship I was in, my actions and my beliefs. It’s a hard thing to do, it’s difficult to take off those rose tinted glasses of the past. It is even more difficult to reflect on mistakes you know you have made.

I’ve stood in front of that mirror now. I’ve embraced and acknowledged my reflection physically and mentally (physically I get angry at cellulite, but what you gonna do? I don’t have the Kardashian’s bank balance).

I haven’t been happy for a while. I lost myself in trying to maintain something that was falling apart. Polyfilla couldn’t bridge those cracks. I let myself be treated as a second rate citizen in the hope of keeping someone who wouldn’t fight my corner. Put it simply. He was just not that into me.

My main reflection from this whole situation. Is that I truly deserve to be supported. And most of all, to trust my gut instincts. Be braver. Have the courage to walk when I feel it’s time. I wanted to walk 4 months ago. I wasn’t getting what I deserved from a partner. I wasn’t me, albeit I was unwell then, I knew, I knew deep down that this couldn’t go on anymore. If you’re not encouraged and assisted to be the best version of you. Then you need to be your own cheerleader.

But I was consumed by my anxiety. I wasn’t brave enough to walk. Instead I cried to my mum that I just didn’t feel the same about that person anymore – but pushed anyway to try. When I should have been brave.

I was disrespected. I was put second. I put more into things. That’s not how it should work. Now is the time to put me first. Do what I want to do, engage in my health and well-being (I had a personal training session today and my legs won’t work. Send a wheelchair.)

I’ve smiled a lot today – part of me feels guilty for that. Wary, worried that I don’t deserve to smile. Not with how I’ve felt for numerous months. The butterflies of fear have been sky high on and off today, I put this down to the fear of the unknown. But I deserve to smile. I’m I am me. I’m finding myself again, and that will involve smiles (and probably prosecco).

You might have noticed today’s post has a colourful drawing. I felt colourful today, slightly. And you’re probably in shock about this positivity. Well, it does happen – even to the ones with the chemically imbalanced brains.

We had more in common than I thought we did. You were my priority. You were your priority. – Kate McGahan

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